This is one of the saddest days of my life. My mother has had to be moved to a nursing home. Which would be fine if she were happy there. But she's not. She's miserable. Not because they're not treating her well. The problem is more complicated than that. The problem is partly that she's in pain, but that's not it. She feels trapped, having lost control of her life, unable to escape, unable to make her own decisions, unable to look after herself.
It's not unusual for my mother to be unhappy. For most of my life she's been unhappy. So chronically unhappy that it becomes painful to be with her. But this is different. She's paranoid, convinced everyone is out to get her, that the nursing staff are going to experiment on her, that their deliberately trying to make her uncomfortable.
Can you see a pattern here? I think Mum is beginning to lose the plot. Not that she's ever been especially rational or balanced. But I think she may be beginning to manifest the early signs of dementia.
Perhaps I'm being a bit self-centred, but when I left the nursing home today all I could think was how lonely I am. I've always been alone, I suppose. But suddenly I feel I desperately need a friend to share my sense of loss. But there isn't a single soul who I can turn to for support. I'm more alone now than I have ever been before in my life.
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